Cronos (1993)

 How did I miss this? I love Guillermo Del Toro and I love Ron Perlman. Now there's a Criterion version? I'm sure Emily told me to watch it like 8 years ago, too. Shame on me.

A Mexican antiques dealer named Jesus Gris unwittingly finds a small golden device hidden inside of a statue at his shop. This crazy mechanical bug was built by an alchemist in 1535 and can help you live forever! However, a chronically ill but extremely wealthy old man, De la Guardia, and his nephew Angel are also in pursuit of this device and will stop at nothing to get it.

It's bloody, it's creepy, it's beautiful to watch. You should watch this awesome movie. It's currently available on Netflix Watch Instantly.

I read an interesting tidbit on IMDB that made me laugh. When Del Toro was approached by Universal about buying the rights to remake the movie for the American market he replied ""Who wants to see Jack Lemmon lick blood off a bathroom floor?"

 

Go enjoy some movies!

Movie Magic: Happy Birthday To Me

There's not a whole lot to love about the 80s slasher flick Happy Birthday To Me. It tried to be a contender for the calendar-themed horror movies sweepstakes which included Friday the 13th, Prom Night, Mother's Day, Christmas Evil, etc., but it didn't quite make the hit list.

Melissa Sue Anderson was an unusual casting choice and her presence made me yearn only for the prairie which made this blood-soaked party seem a little soggy. In any case, this movie does feature a scene with Anderson's skull wrapped in bandages, a sharp, fashionable look that she never got to sport during her time on Little House on The Prairie.


And Movie Magic is revealed through the miracle of viewing the film one frame at a time. Don't blink or you will miss the mind-blowingly shitty looking latex mask that is ripped off the face of the killer. Yes...this slapped-on piece of rubber with a smear of lipstick was supposed to have passed for a seamless, identity-stealing piece of mask-making art throughout the picture.

Ahhh...that is a beautiful thing.

Nightmare in Houndstooth

I imagine that many people would rather wait in a long line to pay a bill than have to sit through Day of the Nightmare. I make this assumption because I know that good taste does not come easy for some people. Day of the Nightmare is one of those amazingly overwrought, slow, hand-wringing melodramas that I live for. It has its share of long static shots of inanimate objects, lovingly composed close-ups and is teeming with actors pulled from the shallow end of the talent pool. So far so good!



Within minutes I was convinced that DOTN was a Doris Wishman movie, directing under the pseudonym John Bushelman, but apparently Bushelman is a real person who's made a few other flicks...either way, it's like watching a lost Wishman movie, so view it as such for maximum appeal. But wait, it gets better!

I may have been wrong in thinking that this was a Doris Wishman movie, but I am convinced that Brian DePalma saw this gem at some point and was so inspired by it that fifteen years after it was made, he released his own version which he called Dressed To Kill.

I'm sure that it was supposed to come as a surprise that the female killer in Day of the Nightmare is a trannie, but I called it immediately and doubt many people would miss that detail if watching it today. Like DePalma's trannie killer, the one here spends a lot of time stalking her victims and is as strikingly fashionable, sporting dark glasses and a loud houndstooth coat in nearly all of her scenes. I just wish there was a 20 minute, dialogue-free museum sequence like DePalma treated us to in his film.




Day of the Nightmare is currently available as a streaming option on Netflix. Invite a few friends over and marvel at the distress, suffering and irrational behavior of everyone in it..and I guarantee a good time.

51 (2011)

Hello folks!

Lately, I've been getting my bad movie fix at my favorite online "TV" station on justin.tv. So I before I continue, I must give Synth a shout-out for supplying me with an outstanding selection of bad movies and MST3K episodes.

That being said, I just finished watching 51 and it is EVERYTHING you've hoped for in a Syfy original! Pretty quality acting, good quality effects, lots of blood and a ridiculously wonderful plot! Score!

 Plus, lets talk about a mash up of actors. You've got the twin brother of the guy from Mallrats, Bruce Boxleitner, a guy who looks like the cheap Mexican version of Warren Beatty and that Sgt. Hannah lady. I was trying to figure out for half the damn movie where I knew her from. So I start going to imdb.com when it hits me! And I sink a little as I remember where I've seen her.

 Firstly, Rachel Miner was married to Macaulay Culkin for a minute there, but she was also in a little movie by Larry Clark called Bully.

Yikes!

Anyway- so I guess you want to know what happens in 51, huh? Well some reporters are let into Area 51 by the government in an attempt to seem open about military secrets. While visiting, an alien named Patient Zero that can morph to look like anyone it meets and another alien attempt to escape. They kill a lot of people along the way. Some other alien fights him and shit. There's blood and yelling and things blow up.

Sold?

 

How about now?

 

Now?

Well, I actually laughed the most at the over-use of the establishing shot of the military base after every commercial break and of course, the female news reporter. She was hilarious!

"I can't believe I'm the comedy relief!"

That got you, huh? Knew it.

Listen- if you want to watch a crazy alien movie, then find yourself a copy of 51! I'm not saying it was good, but it was awesome!

Be back soon to talk more bad movies with ya!

Jeremy